first shots

i fear you
like i fear that first shot of vodka.
my mind puts up four walls
for protection.
my heart bursts,
allowing a wave of bipolar nonsense
to fill my body.
i wince and grasp the arms of my seat
until my knuckles turn to snow.
i am raw,
stumbling through life with a clear perspective.

but after that first step,
my heart stops feeling so much
and my head stops talking so much.

i just let my body be.
i allow myself to forget to make my bed.
i dance in the numbness
and revel in the empty feeling
i have craved for so long.